The Hard Part is Forgiving...

If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?--Dolores Huerta

Holding a grudge is nothing new to me.
     I have always had a problem with forgiveness.  I was able to hold on to a grudge longer than I thought anyone ever could.  Once I held a grudge against a friend for almost at decade.
    My pride never let me forgive others because I felt that to forgive was me giving in and becoming a doormat to those that want to harm me.  If I forgive them they will do what they want when they want and I will be in this situation again.  It was my way of punishing them.
     It took my entire 27 years of life to realize that isn’t true.  I was not punishing them and in actuality I was punishing myself.  I was the one in tears and dwelling on the past every second of every day when they were living their lives I was stuck hating and despising.
     Holding onto this pain and anguish makes you feel so bad and so useless.  You are angry all the time and upset not just that person but as the world.
      I always hated feeling this way yet I felt that I must hold onto the emotions that tormented me. I never wanted to feel so horrific.  I loathed the way the anger and hurting ate away at me and it just made me blame the objects of my distress.
     Recently, however I was thrust into a new situation.
     What do you do when the person causing your pain is yourself?
     That is where I find myself at now.  I am finding it hard to forgive myself.  I let things get out of control and I did not speak up and stop it.  At first I blamed everyone else.  I was angry and I blamed the ones in the vicinity for causing my suffering.
     Now I feel like I am back in that mind set hating myself and unable to forgive.  It is even harder to be the one wrong and to also being the one causing the pain.  Hating yourself is the worst pain and I would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy.
     Though it was always a hard thing to forgive others it is much more difficult for me to forgive myself.  When shame and disgust are presented and you realize that the person you dislike and can’t face is yourself, you wonder how are do you move on from that. 
      I want to forgive myself but I know that it will take some time before I reach the point where I am comfortable with what I did and be able to feel like the mistakes that I made I can move on from and not let them ruin my life and my relationships.
      I know that some day will come.  I know that eventually I will be able to move on.  I just hope that I won’t hold a grudge.
      Can I really hate myself forever?


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