F is for...

is for Friends

“I don’t have any friends.” My husband would hear me say on a regular basis. 
Normally he would spout out a laundry list of women I hang out with.
“Are they your friends?”
It was hard to explain to him that just because I went out with them or had lunch with someone didn't necessarily make them my friend.
For me a friend to someone with a kind heart, loyal, considerate and someone I could trust. I never really thought I found that person.
Because I didn't trust barely anyone in my life other than my family, I never showed people the real me.
Growing up as a child of 9 children I always felt like I didn't belong. I always felt there was something about me that kept me from having real friends or feeling like an outsider.
Elementary, junior high, and high school I went through friend after friend and never held on to any friendships. Every year I had a new best friend. Eventually I would always end up in a clique with a group of girls and eventually they would all decide that they hated me and none of them would want to be my friend anymore.
When I went off to college, I was certain the same would happen. I was surprised when I met a red head full of life that I instantly connected with. We have been friends for 11 years now and she is someone I trust. She’s loyal to a fought and very generous. She is the only person besides my husband that I can be completely myself with. We are always there for each other. She is also my children’s godmother.
Then we got up and moved to California and I was completely across the country from family and from her. I was devastated and felt like I was losing my mind. I was in a new city with no friends. I felt like I had lucked out in college finding a lifelong friend.  How good this hermit introverted writer start over and find new friends and a brand-new state and city.
I sought help from a therapist and discover things about myself.
Because I never felt like I fitted in anywhere I adapted myself to the people I was around. I became what they wanted me to be just so they would like me. Yet, I could not be that person for very long.  Eventually the real me would surface and of course that would turn all these friends off. To them, I am changing and I am not the friend that they want to be around.
My therapist told me that I needed to be myself if I wanted to find the type of friend I wanted. The problem was I had spent so many years being someone else that I could not figure out who I really was. I was having a hard time figuring out what was real and what was fake.
 So I decided that when I begin to make friends in this new city that I would be myself whether they liked me or not. I have been working to learn what I truly like and what I truly want. I am learning that people would love me more if I just be myself.


  1. I remember when my friends in school would ignore me or leave me during lunch time. I spent many lunches by myself. It seems people wanted me to be who they thought I should be, not who I really was.

    I have one friend that I've known since 4th grade. We don't talk much, but when we do it seems no time has past.

    I do have a few other friends, but in reality, not many where I feel free just being me. Most friends don't know about my challenges, as I don't share too often. It's hard for me to trust people fully, so I tend to have friends, but not close friends.

    I'm glad my daughter is back home, at least we can share challenges and trust each other.

  2. It's hard to fully embrace being yourself. We want so much to be liked, to fit in....that we do put on masks. Either to try and be what the other person wants or because we know that having our real self rejected hurts worse than if the mask is rejected. I think a lot of people are like this, myself included. Good luck on your journey to find your true self (and your true friends). I thought the post was very brave.

  3. No one can be you, like YOU can! That's for sure. I'm happy for you that you've figured out that being yourself is the best way to go. There are folks out there who will love the real you.

    Most of us have only a few real friends in our lifetimes. We may have people whom we enjoy or hang with on occasion, but different people serve different purposes for us.

    But, one thing I know is that when you find a real friend, that's priceless.

    Thanks for sharing, Donnee. xoA


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