H is for...

is for... Healing

Healing is a hard process. Especially for someone like me.

For years, I was known to hold a grudge. Since I was a kid I was a master at holding grudges. I had a friend from kindergarten whom I felt wronged me and I hated her for 7 years.

Oh yes, I was the master of holding grudges.

When I was 18, my cousin decided that I was not good enough to be a bridesmaid in her wedding even though we grew up together and were practically more than cousins, more like best friends and sisters. I was completely devastated by her decision and so completely betrayed. I held a grudge against her for 10 years.

I held a grudge for a decade!

Yes, I was a master at holding a grudge and I refused to let go of my anger and hate. I always felt like I was punishing them for the way they wronged me by avoiding them and not talking to them and dropping them from my life.

In reality I was punishing myself. I didn’t get rid of the anger I just let it fester. I was suffering inside not being able to live with the hate at times. It made me an angry mess and I took that anger out on the wrong people.

Mainly at my boyfriend who eventually became my husband.

He constantly complained that my anger was pushing him away from me. We had issues in our marriage and we didn’t think at one point that we were going to be able to resolve those issues.

But we had 3 beautiful children so we couldn’t just give up, so I opted to go into therapy. I was skeptical about therapy at first. I didn’t think that anybody could help me with my issues. But after a few sessions I really dug deep into my family history, my life, and why I was so angry.

In order for me to get rid of my anger, I had to swallow my pride and let go of the hate and pain that kept me awake at night. It was hard for me. I didn’t want to let go of the hate. I felt they would be getting away with what they did to me. I had to learn that forgiving them and letting go was the only way I was going to be able to heal.

I wanted badly to heal. I needed to heal. I finally, after much thought and crying, let it all go and saw people for what they were by not putting them on a pedestal. I learned that I had a habit of putting people I loved on a pedestal and when they fell off… my love for them turned in to complete hate and began the process of holding a grudge and shutting them out of my life.

Once I learned this about myself, I discovered that I was capable of controlling it using the tools that my therapist gave me. I forgave my cousin, I forgave my parents and my siblings, I forgave all those people that I felt had wronged me and I even did some apologizing of my own.

My relationship with my husband improved. He saw a change in me and it inspired him to better himself as well. Letting go of all that hate and anger felt like a monkey was off my back and I felt so much better. I could just float away. I felt like I was finally able to breathe. After suffocating for so long, that was the best feeling in the world.

 I was healing and it felt so good.