Excerpt from "Diary of a Wanted Woman"

Dear Diary,

Anne Frank said parents can only give good advice or put their children on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.

I believe this is true even if the advice the parents gave or the path they led their children on was a hard and dangerous one.

My mother was known to tell me on multiple occasions that I was worthless. She made it her business to make me feel like I was nothing and was wanted by no one. She didn’t want me and neither did my father.

Mt stepfather on the other hand wanted me more than he wanted my mother. I was his pedophiliac fantasy and that made my mother hate me even more. She never saved me from his advances though she blamed me when she awoke and he wasn’t in bed with her.

As I grew older I realized that my mother was wrong. I was wanted. Men gravitated to me and would do anything to get me. It has always been this way. Men always noticed me and I noticed them.

 I loved that feeling.

I loved it when a man saw me and he couldn’t think of anything else to do but to fuck me on the spot.

He sees me and he imagines my legs spread and his face between them. It just happens that way with me. I am never without a lover or someone to fuck my brains out.

My need to feel wanted led to my fascination for sex. I loved to have sex and I rarely turned a man down. Most would say I was a slut, but I saw it as exploring my sexuality and engaging in intimacy without commitment. I craved intimacy just as much as I craved sex.

With that being said, I don’t just wake up in the morning and wonder, “Gee, who am I am going to fuck today?”

 It is never my idea to meet a man and fuck him in the men’s bathroom. I don’t just wake up in the morning and decide to do this. Yet, when the situation presents itself…I can’t ever seem to turn it down.

Despite what my mother said, I’m not worthless. If I were than there wouldn’t be so many men that wanted me.

They wouldn’t find me so fucking irresistible.

-H

Chapter One

The stadium was going wild. For a preseason pro football game, you would think we were in the middle of the Super Bowl.

Maybe it’s because their home town hero was running for his life on the field.

“Go David!” Stacy yelled.

She jumped up and down in the stands as her brother ran 23 yards before he was tackled. The entire stadium erupted in cheers and it was hard to hear myself think.

I cringed on the other hand.

I hated to see all those big guys tackle him, knock him down and pile on top of him. I always worried that he may not make it out of the pile.

Her father was shaking his head which he often does around his wife and daughter.

“Will you sit down?” he said laughing. “It’s just the preseason.”

“Let her cheer for her brother!” her mother said slapping Mr. Castor on the arm.

She jumped up joining in the commotion screaming.

“That’s my baby!”

I had to laugh at the two of them. They did this at every game. I would always be a little embarrassed until I saw the man completely painted in the team’s colors and knew that his family had to be more embarrassed than I was.

This was a common thing for them. They never missed one of their son’s games. His parents would spend their money and travel to whatever away game he had and cheered him on as loudly and as proudly as they could.

Their son was David Castor, 24 year old tight end for the city’s NFL team. This was his third year after being drafted and since then he has been in one super bowl and two pro bowl games.

Stacey and her husband at least made it to every home game he had. I came with them on occasion, but being around so many people always made me feel uneasy.

David knew I was squeamish around crowds of people, so he didn’t mind that I only came to a couple of games a year. When I did make it, it was exciting to see the teenager I watched blossom into a man grow up to be so successful. I was proud of him.

Ten years ago I met his older sister Stacey Castor in college. We were roommates but it still took a while for us to hit it off. She was blonde and bubbly, tall and full of life. I was jaded by life, dark and brooding. She was always surrounded by people and I preferred to be by myself.

 It was a match that should never have been made but here we were still friends and loving every minute of it.

I didn’t think it was possible for me to ever have a friend in life. From a young age, I had always been weary of others. I never knew what their intentions were and I didn’t feel like I could trust them.

When I met David, I soon discovered he was just like his sister…with a little twist. He was full life, charming and very personable but he understood me more than anyone I ever met.

When my moodiness turned into bitchiness he knew what to do to get me out of my chronic negative funk that I am often in on any given day.

Stacey introduced me to her little brother on Thanksgiving. It was the first holiday I spent without my parents and I was impressed with what I encountered. I never went home for holidays for any reason after that. I spent my holidays with the Castors.

That was how I was introduced to 14 year old David. I had no siblings and so I kind of adopted him as my brother too. He was a shy scrawny kid when I met him, but that changed quickly. He started to grow and get bigger playing football and making a name for himself.

Soon he, Stacey and I were like the three musketeers. We were best friends. We spent all of our free time together. Then Stacey met and married John and had a kid. Mrs. Stacey Castor-Watson had no more time left for us.

It was fine with me. I got to spend a lot more time with David. He was a cool kid and knew how to make me laugh. I always wondered why such a macho guy would hang out with his sister and her best friend so much. After a while I didn’t wonder anymore. He became someone I could talk to and go to for anything.

I heard a roar from the crowd and looked up to realize there was a big play happening on the field. I was so lost in my thoughts I was missing it.

I stood trying to see over the people standing up in front of me. The crowd was yelling.

“CASTOR!”

I see David running very fast with two large guys behind him.

Mr. Castor, who always seemed to be composed during these games, was on his feet yelling.

“Go David!”

I smiled to myself. I guess he couldn’t control his emotions after all.

David ran and eventually was tackled to the ground right by the end zone. He was covered in other men and it made me worried that he could be hurt.

“The ball broke the goal line! That was a touchdown!” I heard people screaming.

We looked over at the referee and his arms go up signaling a touchdown. The crowd erupted into cheers.

“That’s my boy!”

Mrs. Castor pats her husband on the back with a huge smile on her face.

I look at them and I smile to myself. They were two proud parents and there was so much love in their eyes it choked me up a little. I used to pray to have that when I was kid but my prayers were always in vain.

My parents were complete opposites of this. Their idea of love did not resemble what I saw with Stacey and her family in anyway shape or form.

I think that is why I was always withdrawn around them. I didn’t know how to trust people that seemed so happy and perfect.

In my family, love and sex always came with emotional and physical pain. That was all that I knew until I met Stacey and saw that not every family is like this. I knew that when I escaped to college I would never look back.

David was always very curious about my home life though I never told him very much. He could not understand why I never went home for the holidays or why I never talked about my family. Although we were close, it was just something I could not talk to him about.

Stacey knew why and I never talked about it with anyone else. It was very difficult to speak about. She did what most people did when they found out about my past. She didn’t know how to act around me for a while.

So I decided not to tell David. I would always tell him I just enjoyed his family so much. He never believed me but he never inquired further.

I always wondered if Stacey ever told her parents about mine. If she did they never said anything. They just always welcomed me with open arms whenever I came over. No questions asked. It was hard to trust people like that.

My mind was brought back to the game in front of me. The quarterback threw a long pass and it was caught by their star wide receiver. This man was one other reason why I enjoyed the game when I came. I was obsessed with this wide receiver. I had seen him on television giving interviews and I thought he was a beautiful man.

Watching him play always made me all hot and bothered. I was grateful there wasn’t much time left on the clock. Not too many plays after that, the game was over with a win in David’s team’s favor. Stacy immediately started grabbing her things.

“Come on. We have to meet David in the tunnel.”

Stacy did this after every home game. She met her brother in the tunnel and greeted him with a hug and a kiss. It almost became like a ritual. His game was not complete unless he saw his sister.

It was sweet. I tried not to hate too much. Yet I never let them off the hook. I tried to tease them about this every chance I got.

Stacey’s parents left after the game. They never wanted to fight through the people to visit David in the tunnel. They grabbed their things gave us hugs and kisses and told us they would see us later.

Stacey, John and I slid through the crowd of journalists and cameramen and made our way to the tunnel.

We waited there for the team to file in after the game. We never had a problem. Security knew us by now.

It normally took a while before David came back toward the locker rooms. He always had to stop and give an interview.

Eventually they all began to file in crowding us with their large frames. We spotted David entering looking all hot and sweaty. His blonde hair was matted to his head yet he had a huge smile on his face.

It was no surprise why he had so many women wanting him. Even hot and sweaty he looked good. He was tall and muscular with striking blue eyes and long blonde hair. He was charming, sweet and generous.

David and John shared a high five.

“Good job kid!”

David smiled.

“Thanks.”

He approached Stacy next. He wrapped his arms around her kissing her on the cheek.

“Here is my lovely big sister. How did I do?”

“You were amazing! I love watching you score touchdowns. This is going to be your best season yet!” she exclaimed.

He laughed.

“Whoa now. It’s just preseason.”

She placed her hand on her hips.

“I know but it’s still so exciting!”

 He wrapped his arms around her tightly making sure to rub some sweat on her in the process.

She shoved him off and wiped his sweat from her face.

“Yuck. You’re sweating all over me.”

He laughed.

“It’s just sweat.”

He turned to me and opened his arms for a big embrace. I walked into them and noticed he did smell a little ripe. It was also hard to hug him with his pads still on his body. He squeezed me tightly and kissed me on the top of my head.

“You don’t mind a little sweat do you babe?” he said flashing his perfect smile at me.

“You know I don’t,” I said winking and smiling back at him.

“Good, maybe I get to see how much you can sweat later,” he said low enough that only Stacey and I heard.

I laughed.

Stacy rolled her eyes and shoved David. She didn't like it when either of us flirted with each other.

“Get in there and take off those smelly clothes so we can get something to eat!”

He laughed as he walked away down the tunnel and into the locker room.

As we waited, more players walked by us in the tunnel. I couldn’t help noticing there were so many attractive men on this team.

I froze when I saw the object of my obsession walk past. It was known by anyone in my circle that I have had a crush on the four time pro bowl wide receiver for the team for a while now.

His name was Keith Morgan and I thought he was so sexy. He was 6’4” 220 lbs. of muscle and man. He was dark skinned with long dreads.

He was so gorgeous but I have never spoken to him. I didn’t have the nerve to ask David to introduce me. He has a rule that I can’t get with anyone on his team. He viewed it as a conflict of interest or something.

So I have lusted after this man from afar. This is the first time he had ever been this close to me.

He eyed me as he walked past. I could see him looking me up and down. I smiled at him and he smiled back winking at me. He made it into the locker room and I let go of the breath I didn’t know I was holding.

I liked big and powerful looking men. It always turned me on at the thought of them taking charge in the bedroom and engaging me in rough and dirty sex. I felt a little flushed at the thought.

We waited in the tunnel and watched as photographers and reporters tried to catch players for quick interviews. I was getting bored when finally out came David wearing a t-shirt bearing his teams logo with a team ball cap on turned to the back. He was accompanied by two teammates.

“Do you guys mind if a couple of my teammates join us?” he said pointing to the two large men standing behind him.

These guys were rather cute as well. I was starting to think this may be the best looking team in the league.

I of course spoke up first.

“Sure why not.”

Stacy looked at me and shook her head. She knew me long enough to know what I wanted so badly and what made me speak up so quickly.

She didn’t really approve of my lifestyle. It was another place that we differed. She was much more conservative than I was settling with one man right out of college.

I didn’t like being tied down. My fascination for sex was way too powerful for me to just be satisfied with only one man in my bed. 

I tried being in a relationship with a guy but it ended when he caught me giving head to his best friend. He was devastated and I felt so bad. I didn’t like the feeling and I didn’t want to hurt anyone else. I didn’t trust myself to be faithful.

I can’t say that I have never been in love. My last boyfriend I loved, but Stacey said sleeping with his best friend did not constitute love. So, maybe I don’t know what love is after all.

It’s something that I want to have in my life but I understand that I am too damaged for a normal relationship. Can’t I just find a boyfriend that will let me sleep with other men? I doubt that will ever happen. 

The guys agreed to meet us at the diner down the street where they like to go after every home game. I didn’t necessarily like the food but David loved this place so that is where we were headed yet again.

After hopping in Stacy’s car, we weaved our way through traffic and arrived at the diner. When the owner saw us he waved us on and we made our way to the booth where we always sat.

There were quite a few people there but the owner was a friend of Stacey and David’s family and he always kept this booth free for us after home games. It was a large booth so it accommodated us all.

It was like your average typical diner. It tried to resemble the old school ones with the red and white booths and waitresses in fifties uniforms.

We were there for a couple of minutes before the guys arrived loud and boisterous. They squeezed into the booth that once seemed big but now was very tight with these three huge men.

We all sat in a row. I ended up between David and one of the guys named Jonas. Stacey sat between David and John. The last player Tim was on the end next to John.  

Jonas was very attractive. He had dark skin and a bald head. He was huge though coming in at 6’5” 300lbs. I think he was a defensive end for the team.

Seconds after the guys took their seats, a server arrived at our table to take everyone’s order. I thought David could eat a lot. After a while the food arrived and there was no room on the table for mine and Stacey’s dinner. They all ordered three different entrées. John was no joke either. He had enough to feed himself and Stacey.

I watched the guys eat with amazement. While they ate, they discussed the game and the start of the new season.

“I think Brody is going to get cut before the regular season starts,” Jonas said shoveling more food in his mouth.

“Either him or Michaels. They can’t let the quarterback get sacked like that,” David added.

Eventually the conversation landed on me. Tim who had been staring at me the whole time finally asked the question I knew was on his mind.

“So what are you?” he asked licking his fingers.

“I’m human,” I said smiling.

David and Jonas laughed.

“You know what I mean. Are you black or white or…what?”

I leaned back in the booth and smiled.

I get asked this question quite often. Most people have a hard time telling what race I am. I didn’t think that it mattered. Stacey wanted to know when we first met yet she was too afraid to ask.

I put her out of her misery and told her about my parents. My mother is black and my father is white though I never knew him.

According to my mother he didn’t want his conservative parents or his wife to know that he was messing around with a black girl on the side. What more evidence would there be than a baby. He wanted her to get an abortion and she refused.

That is when she decided to pawn me off on her husband who didn’t necessarily want kids. That led to problems that I could not begin to explain nor would I want to.

“I’m mixed black and white,” I said taking a sip of my drink.

“I knew you had some black in you, I just didn’t know what else.”

Stacey started to talk about the upcoming football season changing the subject. I silently thanked her. I was afraid the next question would be about my parents and I did not want to talk about them.

I started to focus on my food and listened as Tim started to tell crazy locker room stories that involved the three men at the table. I listened intently until I felt a hand on my knee. I was wearing a skirt so the cool hand on my bare leg was a shock.

I looked up at Jonas and he smiled at me licking his lips. I looked around to see if anyone noticed. They were all engaged in their conversation.

His hand began to travel further up my leg. For my own female decency I should have removed his hand but it had been a couple of days since I had a man in my bed. I had to admit I was pretty horny and that clouded my judgment. That always seemed to happen come to think about it.

I opened my legs a little further to grant him access. I tried to look normal and stifle the gasp that tried to escape from my lips when his fingers reached my soaked panties. He stroked my pussy through my panties for a minute until I could not take it anymore.

I gave him my most seductive look carefully though. I didn’t want anyone else to notice what was going on between us. He smiled and I motioned toward the bathrooms. He caught on and I excused myself grabbing my purse and walked as calmly as I could toward the restrooms.

When I reached them, I turned to see if he followed me. I was not disappointed. His big strong hands pushed me into the men’s room. There was an elderly man inside washing his hands. When we burst through the door he quickly dried his hands and rushed past us.

Jonas hurriedly looked under every stall before he grabbed my hand and pulled me into one. It was a wonder how we both fit in there. I hung my purse on the stall door and immediately grabbed for him.

We instantly began to kiss and his tongue fought furiously to find mine. When they met it was electric and I just could not help myself. I placed my hand on his bald head and delighted in stroking it.

His fingers began to trace a path up my thigh and under my skirt. We continued to kiss as he slid my panties to the side with his finger and plunged them inside of my wet pussy. He shoved three fingers in stretching me. My breath caught in my throat as large fingers fucked me.

“You like that baby. You like daddy’s fingers in your pussy?”

I’m not sure how he thought one fuck session constituted him being called ‘Daddy’. Men just always wanted to be in control. I normally would have something smart to say but I decided to give him a pass for the moment.

His fingers in my pussy felt amazing!

“Oh,” I said reaching down to undo the buckle on his belt.

“Oh, you want daddy’s dick,” he said fueling his own ego.

He didn’t need any help from me.

I finally fought in this cramped space through his belt, zipper and boxers to release his dick.

Needless to say, I was not impressed. I’m assuming he had to sacrifice something to gain in other areas. I tried to hide my disappointment as I stroked him.

“Mmm…,” he moaned.

The bathroom stall was too small for me to do what I wanted so we continued to kiss and stroke each other. Suddenly he tried to maneuver me until he was on his knees and I had one leg propped up on the toilet. I had to take my panties off in order to accomplish this.

He used this position to get up close and personal with my pussy. His tongue was warm when it parted my dripping slit.

I threw my head back banging it on the wall of the stall. I didn’t really care. He may have had a small dick but his tongue made up for that.

He hungrily lapped at me. I was so amazed at how hard he was going to make me come. Suddenly he stopped and tried to stand. He was like a bull in a china shop banging around in there.

When he was finally able to stand he turned me around and angled me across the toilet. My skirt was up and my panties were on the floor.

I stopped him.

“Wait, do you have a condom?” I asked.

He sighed.

“No. I just ate your pussy. I’m not worried about you having anything.”

I laughed.

“So what! I’m worried about you having something.”

He let go of me obviously frustrated.

“Look, I’m an athlete. I get physicals all the time. I’m clean!”

Like, I was going to take his word for it.

I turned back around and reached behind him for my purse hanging on the hook. In a zippered pocket inside I had a stash of condoms that I carry around with me.

“Good thing I come prepared,” I said smiling, handing him the condom and resuming my bent over position over the toilet.

I heard him opening it up and struggling in the tiny space to put it on. When he was done he didn't hesitate to easily slide his tiny dick into my warm and wet cunt.

I barely felt a thing.

Yet he was pounding away. Though his dick was small, he was huge and his pounding kept knocking my head into the wall.

After a few minutes, I felt him grip my ass. He came hard moaning so loudly I was afraid someone from the restaurant would come running in believing someone was in danger.

He pulled out and removed the condom. Without a word I squeezed past him, grabbing my purse, opening the stall door and exiting the bathroom.

I left my panties on the floor.

Outside the bathroom I composed myself, straightened my clothes and made my way back over to the table.

When I returned, I wondered if anyone was suspicious. Stacy and Tim were talking. She was once again telling embarrassing stories about David.

 It seemed everything was alright until I noticed David staring at me. His steel blue eyes were looking my body up and down. I could feel that he knew. We locked eyes and he raised one eyebrow. There was a hint of anger in his blue eyes.

I looked away and tried to join into Stacy’s conversation. Jonas returned to the table still looking a little flushed.

I tried to ignore the look David was giving me.

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